How to Spot Red and Green Flags in Relationships for Healthier Connections

Recognizing warning signs—like poor conflict skills—can protect your heart in relationships. But don’t forget to celebrate the healthy green flags too.

Relationships can be complicated, but that doesn’t mean they're unhealthy.

Healthy relationships require effort, communication, and mutual investment. Sadly, not all relationships are built this way, and many are doomed from the start.

If you've ever loved and lost, you know how easy it is to look back and wish you'd seen the signs sooner—those moments when someone's true colors weren't yet clear, or when you hoped things would change.

It's important to reflect on the signs you missed when relationships end so you can learn from your mistakes, but even more so when they continue, especially if they’re unhealthy, dysfunctional, and draining your time, energy, love, and money.

The truth is that most relationships show us clues from the very beginning. Learning to recognize these signs—both the warning signs and the positive ones—can help you make healthier choices from the start and protect your heart and your precious time.

Why We Miss the Signs

We want to see the best in people, so it's common to overlook, downplay, or justify behaviors that don't feel right. Sometimes, we get caught up in the excitement of something new, believe things will change, or are overly forgiving and understanding—none of which are necessarily bad.

But paying attention to the patterns—what lifts you up and what weighs you down—can make all the difference. Everyone makes mistakes; no one is perfect, but it’s how people show up consistently that matters.

Signs are everywhere if you know what to look for.

Red Flags

Red flags are warning signs that a relationship may be unhealthy or damaging. Typically, they show up early on, and while it might be tempting to ignore them and hope they change, doing so can lead to disappointment and heartbreak. Some common red flags are:

Dishonesty: Repeated lying or withholding information; eroding trust.

Disrespect: Contempt, sarcasm, or belittling comments; reflects a lack of concern for your feelings.

Lack of Support: Withholding affection or emotional support; making you feel isolated and alone.

Controlling Behavior: Efforts to limit your independence (such as controlling spending or what you’re wearing) or isolating you from friends and family.

Boundary Violations: Disregarding or pushing past your stated limits.

Dismissiveness: Downplaying your feelings or experiences.

Poor Conflict Resolution: Yelling, blaming, or refusing to discuss issues constructively.

Green Flags

Green flags are positive signs that a relationship is healthy and supportive. These qualities help build trust, intimacy, and long-term happiness. Look for:

Honest Communication: Both partners openly share and listen actively.

Mutual Respect: Each person values the other's opinions, boundaries, and identity.

Emotional Support: You feel safe expressing your feelings and know you'll be cared for.

Mutual Support: Both partners encourage each other's goals and independence.

Empathy: Compassion and understanding for each other's views.

Reliability: Consistent actions and dependability.

Healthy Conflict Resolution: Disagreements are handled with respect and patience.

How to Use These Flags

Most people show these signs early in a relationship. Paying attention to them can help you decide whether to keep investing in this person or take a step back. Remember, you deserve to spend your time with people who lift you up and honor your worth.

If you notice more red flags than green, it's okay to pause and reflect so you can decide from a place of clarity if this is the relationship for you.

Red flags should not be ignored—they often signal deeper issues, such as manipulation or abuse. But ultimately, it’s not about counting red flags; it’s more about recognizing when a relationship consistently makes you feel unsafe, unsupported, or diminished. In those cases, even one or two red flags can be too many. Know your worth and walk away.

If you see a cluster of green flags, celebrate and nurture those connections. The relationships you choose really do shape your life—so take a moment to reflect on the connections around you, and choose the ones that help you grow and feel truly supported. You deserve nothing less.

Trust Yourself

You are the expert on you. Continue to trust your intuition and honor your needs. For a quick reference, I’ve created a downloadable cheat sheet for you. You’ve got this!

References

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books.

Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. (2010). Should I stay or should I go? Predicting dating relationship stability from four aspects of commitment. Journal of family psychology : JFP : journal of the Division of Family Psychology of the American Psychological Association (Division 43), 24(5), 543–550. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0021008

Stanley, S. M., Markman, H. J., & Whitton, S. W. (2002). Communication, conflict, and commitment: insights on the foundations of relationship success from a national survey. Family process, 41(4), 659–675. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1545-5300.2002.00659.x

Whitton, S. W., Stanley, S. M., Markman, H. J., & Johnson, C. A. (2007). Attitudes toward commitment and divorce among married and cohabiting couples. Journal of Family Psychology, 21(2), 297-305. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.21.2.297